You needed some time.

At first, it was a wander..

Still looking back.

A panic-induced run started.

Away from all the expectations.

How terrible the pain of separation,

But how could you return now?

You said you didn't need it.

Any of the familiarity.

You were never far away, really.

Never.

You just needed some time.

I'm glad you're back.

Mildly aching.

And yet I must ache deeper.

It's so much easier to ache for something, someone, anything else

Than for that true ache for you.

I want to be sure you love me.

More than I love myself.

That's why I must ache.

It doesn't get any better than this.

It will be alright, girl.

Alright.

Keep going, pick up your feet.

It will be alright.

This deep ache inside.

A good ache.

Alright.

Don't relent.

It's bigger than you.

Beyond everything.

Don't try to understand it.

It will be alright.

Stop filling youself with dark.

Keep aching.

It's a good ache.

Soon the light will come in.

It will be alright, girl.

When every thing's not real;

I'm a door flung open wide.

Sure, come in.

Take until you're heart's content.

No one's stopping you.

And neither am I.

Sit in the silence.

I haven't much to offer.

My bed sheets are worn.

And the conversation lacking.

A blank stare.

Have we lost it all?

I burden my memory for it,

For the substance.

It doesn't exist.

And then, a thought.

It never did.

I never allowed it.

Reality is this;

I'm the chain used to secure the deadbolt.

Chipped teacups, heavy curtains.

New start, old ways.

Salty tears, mid-night distractions.

Old habits, new locations.

Drunk baths, slippery sheets.

New tastes, old feelings.

The new is old, and the old is new.

I just happened to realize a day too late.

YOU:
A thread-bare cloth.
Perfectly serene and scented with memories.

ME:
A matchless string.
Desperately searching..clinging for hope.

No. I will not loosen my grip.

I will hold you. I will hold you.
No! I will not let you go.
Yes, I am a silly girl.
Dear, I know it doesn't match.

Fragmented. Tattered.
Shred to pieces.
What else do I call you?
What else do I call myself?

Still I search for you.
With my fist clenched tight.

All the while our hearts were swooning,

Desperate to belong.

To what, we weren't quite sure..

So we indulged in the mysteries of our fragile souls.

We tried to understand and we tried to be understood.

With every fiber of our beings, we gave and we gave.

We gave it all away with our selfish desires.

But still empty we were.

Why can't my tongue produce the words to describe it?

The ache, the depth..

Tears can't explain it either.

Sweat drips down .. no, it pours down in anticipation.

We're almost there.

Tears like ripened fruit.
Laughs budding at just the right time.
Up. Down. Up.
That's how they play.

I wanted a different way.
The rugged terrain.
No fruit. No flowers to lead the way.
Just the ugly..the truth.

Like a snare for a rabbit,
I got out.
Out of all the hype.
Now it is real. Now I'm free.

It is real,
I am a fruit sucked dry. A petal withered.

I have tried to fight you.
Tried to fight for freedom.
To find out what it is.
To find it without you.

But, a hypocrite as I am,
I should have known.
There is no freedom in fighting.
Only death and destruction.

Only pain.
Only emptiness.

Please, don't leave me now.

With you last night.

You, with your merriment.

Everything was normal.

Everything was crazy.

Drink. Smile. Drink. Laugh.

So tired, our bodies so full.

So content.

Softly stroking my arm.

Surprised, I had never seen that look on your face.

A confusing smile.

And then my hand took yours.

You slid your body closer to mine.

Your head pressed upon my chest.

You were sweetly sad.

Like, you were just wanting some comfort.

I was solemn.

Aching for something real.

It brought me back..

To that time..

What you said about your sadness.

And how we all do that.

[We all try to replace God.]

Our leaves are wilted.
Water is scarce.
We look up with tears.
If only you would water us.

My death spreads deeper to my veins.
I am in love with you, dear source of my life.
Fill this dried and dessicated shell.
My sanity is forged in your life.

No direction do I have.
What is North?
What is any of it without depth in these vessels?
Disgraced by all else.

I thought I knew.
It was black and white.
My North was meddled with by thieves.
Now it is grey.

You don't mind, do you?

Am I lost?

Are you?

The weight of opportunity weighs heavy on my fragile being.

Opportunity missed. Opportunity taken.

Failure. Freedom. Failure. Disappointment,

I am allowed to fail, aren't I?

Aren't you?

Toss. Turn. Every direction is uncertain.

Not strong enough to stay..not strong enough to keep going.

I am living the epidemic.

Nonsensical is life.

He is the only Thing that makes sense.

And as I dissect this frail heart..

Made of lace, and porcelain, and everything beautiful,

I find more.

So much more than I remembered.

And remembrance can be haunting.

These that are delicate and fragile

Seem so lovely and pure.

But still I find more.

Heartache and sorrow wrap themselves in lace.

Lace is such a pretty blanket, you see.

The glory of God is man fully alive"

Oh, Breath that comes from these lungs.

To make these words into something real.

How I have avoided Your subtlety.

And now I fight for air,

For my breathing patterns fail me.

Crisp air I long to inhale.

Pure, simple truth.

You will expand in my lungs

And push out what is ugly.

I shall exhale You with gladness..

This depth of Breath,

I have imagined You not.

Fullness of Breath teeming.

Up to my throat..

Out of my mouth.

At no time do I run out.

Oh no, I cannot keep You out.

Your breath creates..

This life that reflects Your breath.

Never ceasing.

Lonesome again.

This time it’s not a solemn solitude.

My heart crescendos to the rhythm of it’s own beat.

Deep into the swing of that sweet heartbeat music.

And my memory longs for times I never knew..

Nostalgia of a life I never lived.

Romanticized dreams of past and future.

The present is the cruelest to us. To our dreams.

Love like an ocean.

Although uncertain in it’s path,

Seldom worried of where it’s going.

That sweet heartbeat music starts up again…

Loneliness is not always a fearsome thing.

Time filled with meaningless clatter..

When our souls ache for reflection.

Richness found in the sound of our own music.

Can you hear it?

I looked up at that aging tree..

..that tree twisting and turning, old and decrepit, near death next to that deep dark ocean...and i thought, in that moment...just in that moment..

The possibility of life sustained in that tree.

Tears came rolling down the hills of my cheeks.
No, not because of the death of this remarkable creation,
But at the beauty of life sustained, and life lost.
Oh, to live solely in that tree forever.

Perfectly content in my old dying tree next to the churning sea.